Turning Your Mess into Your Message with Charlene Madden: Resilience in Life and Leadership Episode 034

Stephanie has a raw and honest conversation with Charlene Madden.

Charlene Madden has admittedly spent most of her life living in a state of darkness.  After experiencing over 9 years of sexualized trauma at the hands of her grandfather, a decade of domestic violence, and 3+ decades of mental illness and suicidal ideology, she was just 2 days away from taking her life when she attended  a women's workshop where everything changed.  She was able to take off her blinders, begin the healing process, and find her Purpose by turning her Mess into a Message of Hope, Evolution, and Transformation that she now shares with people all over the world. 
 
https://www.facebook.com/IgniteYourLifeBC/
https://www.charlenemadden-speaker.com/

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

INSPIRE your team to LEAD WITH SUCCESS and MOTIVATE others with Stephanie bringing 20+ years of speaking experience. If you need to EMPOWER, ENGAGE, and EDUCATE your people-Book Stephanie as your speaker today!

https://www.stephanieolson.com/ask-stephanie-to-speak

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

Transcript

Stephanie Olson: 0:03

Welcome to resilience in life and leadership with your host Stephanie Olson, speaker, author addictions sexual violence and resilience expert. Hello, and welcome to resilience in life and leadership. And this is an interviewer that you want to hear. Charlene Madden has admittedly spent most of her life living in a state of darkness. After experiencing over nine years of sexualized trauma at the hands of her grandfather, and a decade of domestic violence and three plus decades of mental illness, and suicidal ideology. She was just two days away from taking her life. When she attended a women's workshop where everything changed, she was able to take off her blinders begin healing, and she found her purpose by turning her mess into a message of hope, evolution and transformation that she now shares with people all over the world. Charlene is a mother of three amazing children, a wife and a daughter. And she does so much in the area of helping other women as an advocate, and helping those who may have shared similar experiences or who are ready to make a shift in their own lives. Welcome, Charlene Maddon Hello, and welcome to resilience in life and leadership. And I am so excited to introduce to you Charlene Madden Charlene, welcome.

Charlene Madden: 1:28

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yes.

Stephanie Olson: 1:30

Now you have quite a story. So I'm just really going to let you just start wherever you think it is. Best introduces us to you. Okay, um, well,

Charlene Madden: 1:44

I guess my story of resilience, it I'll start at the beginning and how that kind of came to begin. I was born, the last child, youngest child and a family of four. I was born into a dysfunctional home. My parents were doing the best they could at the time, but my father was a severe alcoholic, and he tended to get violent. When he drank. Most of the violence was directed at my brothers, they were half brothers. So they weren't biologically his so of course, they faced a lot of the, the abuse. And when I was just around three, my mother decided to leave the marriage. And she had to make really tough decision. She took my brothers and left. And my sisters and I stayed with my father. Basically, my father wouldn't allow her to take us, okay, so she had a difficult decision to make to stay and risk, you know, the death of one of her sons, or, you know, take the two, she could save and go. And my dad being in the position he was as such a severe alcoholic, he was in no position to raise two girls, I had an older sister that was four years older than myself. So he contacted my maternal grandparents and asked if they would be willing to take a sin. And my grandmother did not skip a beat. She said, Absolutely, we will take the girls wonderful. My grandmother, kind of a saint in my eyes, she was absolutely wonderful woman, very strong, independent for her time period. She really believed in women working, getting a good education, education was really important to her because she had, she had very minimal education. So she pushed education. And she really taught me to be strong and independent. And that was a lesson that I may have taken and learn to well. So my grandmother was wonderful. Unfortunately, my grandfather, though, was a pet of my own.

Stephanie Olson: 3:52

Oh my gosh.

Charlene Madden: 3:55

He's from the time I was three, three and a half until just over 12. My sister and I were both sexually molested by my grandfather. Oh, I'm so sorry. And so it was this kind of situation where, you know, as a child, you don't want to say anything, because, you know, I've already lost one family. And I'm afraid that if I say anything, I'm going to lose the only family I have left, right. And my grandmother had become the son in my world. So we just stayed quiet. It was when I was 12. My sister was 16 that she basically had a nervous breakdown. She had endured far worse abuse than I had being as she was the older of the two. And she had a breakdown and everything came out. And you would think, you know, that everything would be great. You know, we're not dealing with this abuse, but we lived in a really small town. So there's that stigma around it of you know, Oh, you're the absolutely and molested as a as a child. And in coming from the household that we came from, there was even questions about whether we were being truthful about the abuse, whether we were just there were just troubled kids that were trying to, you know, asking for attention and all these things were, that's the last thing you want attention for. That's no, want to be known for

Stephanie Olson: 5:22

no. Now, how old? Were you? Then? When it all came out?

Charlene Madden: 5:26

I was just over 12 Oh, my goodness, yeah, I was in grade eight. So I was getting just getting ready to go into the high school. So and I remember, you know, even at the age of 12, you know, having sitting in the Social Services Office, and, and these are some of the anchor memories that I have, is the social worker, kind of just patting me on the back and saying, Don't worry, it's going to be okay. That was really, it was meant to be reassuring, I'm sure. But the fact was, there was no follow up to of course, there was we didn't receive any counseling, there was no, there was no nothing. It was like, Okay, you're gonna be fine. And now you go into this world to try to cope with these feelings and these thoughts and the emotions that you don't know how to deal with. No. So I go into high school. So now that's a whole different situation where you know, I mean, I'm a young teenage girl who's already dealing with hormones and emotions are literally life changing. And I started to start to deal with depression, even at that age, I think I was 1314. When it really started, I started cutting myself, I was just looking for a release of this internal pain, looking to externally, you know, take that pain away. And I also started writing, writing became a really important part of my life. And I always said that I poured ink out onto the page rather than my blood out. Wow. And the great thing about the writing is, it was a great release, you could say all the things on paper that you couldn't say verbally.

Stephanie Olson: 7:07

Absolutely, absolutely.

Charlene Madden: 7:09

The problem is, though, when you're writing, especially in school is that it draws a lot of attention. And especially when you're writing about suicidal thoughts and ideologies. So my English teacher got a hold of the guidance counselor who got a hold of a school psychologist. And now they bring me in, and they do an assessment on me. And they say, well, we just want you to know, like, you're bipolar, manic depressive, that I'm the school diagnosed school psychologist. Wow, yeah. Wow. You know, so now I'm at 15, I have no idea what any of those terms mean. And I remember and here comes that anchor memory, the school psychologist, patting me on the back and saying, It's okay, you're gonna be alright. And I remember walking out of that room, because there was once again, no follow up. So it kind of felt like the whole system. I fell through the cracks of the system through through all the beginning. But yeah, I kind of felt like this internal anger of I wish people would stop telling me I'm going to be okay, because I don't feel like I'm going to be okay. Right. Right. And it just progressed, and, you know, the emotions coming up. So,

Stephanie Olson: 8:22

you know, I think that's so important for people to understand I in my, in my real work, so to speak, I run a nonprofit, and we do prevention, education, on sex trafficking, and, well, human trafficking as a whole healthy relationships, social media safety. But one of the things that we always teach our educators and try and teach, when we're training, whether it's people in the medical, anybody who works with you don't make promises you cannot keep, because and they're all well intentioned, you know, all well intentioned, but what people need to understand is when you are a child of abuse, there are all of these promises made to you at any on any given day. And so if one more person is making a promise that they're not able to keep it's just one more person that you can't trust. So yeah, that is

Charlene Madden: 9:29

another nail in that coffin of trust that you don't have in you know, as a child and adults. Yeah. And as you grow up into people in general, so

Stephanie Olson: 9:38

Wow, so you're in high school now. I'm just curious how how did your sister weather the storm up to this point? Um, she, and it's not your I know, it's not your story to tell. But I it just occurred. Yeah,

Charlene Madden: 9:55

I think she kind of was she kind of did the same thing I did as far as We just tried to stick her hand head in the sand. Yeah, yeah, just try to live life that you know, okay, that happened. Let's just forget about it right? Let's not deal about deal with it. Let's just try to you know, she, she turned to alcohol as well like I right away, you know started drinking in my early teens, but that became my my numbing. Yes, every weekend it was, you know, you were going out and you were drinking just to get the number one to fit in. Right? Because everybody was doing it and you just didn't want to be different. Right? Like, I think for me, it's like if people when they ask, Well, why did you start drinking? And it's like, well, when I say everybody was doing it? Yes, of course you're teenagers. You're You're dabbling and stuff like that. But I just wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be different. I wanted to be the same as everybody else. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, we are doing those things just to blend in. So and that's where the masks come in. We learned to put those masks on and add it in. So I can

Stephanie Olson: 11:01

absolutely relate as a recovering alcoholic started during it started really drinking in my teens. But yes, I completely understand that piece of it. So then you are in high school, or have you left high school? Where are you then at this point?

Charlene Madden: 11:21

Well, I finished high school. I did really well in school, it was sort of like I said, education was so important to my grandmother that I just kind of, you know, I wanted to make her proud. I just wanted to you know, so I wanted to be worthy of her love. Yeah, and, and not getting good grades was how I did it. So I graduated high school, and I decide that I'm going to move from the area that we're in, I moved with my high school sweetheart. And we moved to the city, which is about an hour and a half away. And I think this is going to be great, because I'm living somewhere where there's so many people I can just blend in and no one knows me. I can just go and be anonymous. And that started my pattern of geographically dealing with stresses in my life thinking that, you know, if I moved away or if I move, right, everything better, right? And, and so things are okay for a while, but they never stay. Okay. I mean, I didn't do any work on myself again, I just kind of threw myself into into life. I got pregnant at 19, we decided we wanted to start having a family younger. So here I am, I have a child, and I absolutely loved my daughter. Yeah. And then we have another child, and I absolutely love that daughter, and I have another child and I absolutely love my son. But all this time, I'm loving everybody else, but I'm not loving myself. Yeah. And I struggled as a parent, I struggled with raising my daughters, because of my difficulty in the emotion in the physical connection with my daughters, because it just always felt off. You know, I had those things in my mind of you know, if I'm hugging my daughter, is it wrong? Right? Because this point, I don't know what healthy and safe. You know, contact it. Absolutely. We're right on my son was completely different. I felt okay in that in that relationship. But with my daughters, I struggled a lot. So I get to this point, I am 28 and three kids and a marriage on my home. And I realized that I am slowly slipping down into a really dark place well, and I can't dig myself out of it. And I realized that if I don't do make a drastic change, my children are going to come home and find me dead. Because I just can't handle the pain anymore. And I think, okay, if I just get a break, everything will be okay. I just need to leave the house, leave my family, leave my kids so that I can pull myself together and then just pretend like everything's okay. Right, right. So I leave the household. And at this point, my marriage had kind of disintegrated anyway, there wasn't a lot there. And I within a month jumped into another relationship. And this was with someone who had just left a relationship. So now we are two extremely dysfunctional people coming together. And we know how well that works. When you've got right, people together, right. My drinking got worse. My depression got worse. And on top of it, it was a violent relationship. There was domestic violence in the relationship. Yeah. Which at that point, kind of just felt like that was everything I deserved. And my self worth was non existent at this time. Right. And I Keep going through this. And about two years into that relationship. I decide that I can't. It was after one night where I had been abused. And he had left the house. And I just decided I couldn't go on. I went to the bathroom cabinet, empty that of all the pills that were in there, there was, you know, he was on pain medication for a back injury. So I take all the pills, and then I sit down on the couch and start writing my kids my goodbye letters. Wow. I didn't want to leave without saying something. Yeah. And as I'm sitting there writing the letters, it just comes in to me that I'm doing the same thing that my parents did. I'm leaving my children, I'm abandoning my children. And I'll never be able to come back. Right. This is this is it? This is final? Am I prepared to leave my children? And at that moment, I knew I wasn't. I wasn't, I didn't want to repeat that cycle. I tried so hard to to not repeat the cycle. I think that's some of where my struggles came from. Because I felt like I was just repeating this generational pattern. Right? Right, I had so much guilt. So I ended up driving myself to the emergency room, while the cab went to the emergency room, and ended up collapsing at the admissions desk and woke up with tubes down my throat. Oh, my goodness. And it was at this point that my mother had gotten she had been notified that what had happened. And she was like, I think you need to move, you need to pack the kids up, and you need to move out West Nile at this time, I was living in Ontario, central Canada. And she's like, You need to move out West. And I thought, yeah, great. That's a great idea. I'm going to do that. Because again, here's my pattern of thinking that I can run away my problems. Geographically, I'll just everything will be better.

Stephanie Olson: 16:47

Now, let me ask her that so So you then still had a relationship with your mom? And what about your? What about your dad? And your grandparents? Were you still in contact with them?

Charlene Madden: 17:06

My grandfather? Of course, no, I had not talked to him since everything came out. Grandmother, yes, of course, she was always a part of my life. My mother had been in and out of my life. Throughout my entire life, she had kind of randomly bitten in there. And my dad, I really didn't have much of a relationship with him. So it was my mom was, you know, I think this is her way of stepping in and make amends for some of that it happened. Right. So yeah, so I moved, I moved out west. And I thought that this would be the brand new start that I needed. And about six months after I moved, the gentleman I had been in the relationship with moved out to B to BC as well. And of course, as most women who are in abusive relationships, I believed everything that he said that everything would be different. And, and I thought, okay, it's a fresh start. But it wasn't, it was this again, it was just a geographical change, nothing behavioral change. So about. We moved out 2003. So that relationship ended in 2015. And two months after he moved out of the house, I had a police officer show up at my work. And this had been a police officer who had been involved in domestic disputes that we had had. And he came into my work and said, Hey, I just want you to know, I just came into work. Your partner, your ex partner had taken his own

Stephanie Olson: 18:46

life. Oh, my gosh. And I was of

Charlene Madden: 18:50

course, devastated. He had reached out a couple days prior to want to talk and I had just been like, no, that's I'm moving on, I need to start a new life. So I carried some guilt there for a little while. And I was devastated because I had to tell my children and this was a man who had raised my son basically, because their dad, their own dog wasn't in their lives. So I went through the gamut of emotions. And of course, you know, drinking was my living at the time. And I started to get really angry. And I remember everybody saying it's okay. Anger is one of the stages of grief. And I was like, No, you don't understand. I'm not angry that he took his life. I'm angry that he did it first.

Stephanie Olson: 19:37

Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Charlene Madden: 19:41

And I know and when you tell people that they look at you like Okay, right. But I was I was angry because now I was left to

Stephanie Olson: 19:50

pick up picking pieces. Absolutely. And

Charlene Madden: 19:53

I recognize that what this meant for everybody else who's left behind. Wow. And it was it was just a complete hole. You know, I didn't want to be here. But do I want to subject everybody to this pain?

Stephanie Olson: 20:12

Oh my goodness, that's horrible. Yeah.

Charlene Madden: 20:15

And so I went on, you know, I am, I had received a life insurance policy payout. And I thought, okay, what can I do, I'm gonna buy a house first, and I'm gonna buy a house and this will be something for my kids. When I bought the house, my intention was that this was going to be what was going to be left to my kids when I take my own life. Wow. Right, because I knew. You know, it's like, when you're sitting in the dark outside, and you know, it's at dusk, and you can just feel the darkness is slowly creeping in. Yeah, that's how it felt. It was like, doesn't matter how bright I tried to shine my light, the darkness is just gonna get Yeah. Yeah. And, and I had actually set the date, I remember getting the keys, you know, my house, and I was like, you know, take the picture gone. You know, this is probably the last happy picture anybody will have of me. And I had planned that the following month, I was taking him away. Wow. Yeah. And it's funny, because that was not funny. But the plan was, I was going on a Monday morning, because as we were taught, ya

Stephanie Olson: 21:22

know, Mondays are bad anyway. So

Charlene Madden: 21:26

it's a Monday, well, you know, right. So, so my plan was, I was going to the same location, I had a hunting rifle in my car. And I just had to get through, like, you know, the time and I had been invited to a woman's workshop by a girl that I worked with, and she's like, Please don't make me go to this by myself, like, you know, get your ticket, you know, have a great time. And I'm thinking as the last thing I want to do, right, right. But I was so good at keeping that mask on. Right? Like, no one knew I was struggling. Yeah, because I was a master at hiding it. And that's, you know, that's the one thing about when you live with it for so as long you become a master, no one, no one knows. Yeah. And I went to this women's workshop, and I remember walking in and thinking, I don't belong here. You know, all these women are wandering around, and they're talking excitedly and, and I'm not a real girls, girl, usually to begin with, but, and I'm thinking, Oh, my God, all these women are talking about how excited they are about their future. And I just need to get through two days before I kill myself. Wow. Oh, my goodness, this is a this is a Saturday morning. And, and I remember listening, you know, a couple of the speakers got up and once talking about finances, and I'm like, fine, I don't care, because that's not gonna be a problem for me. And someone gets up and talks about health and wellness. And I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter to me anymore. And then a lady gets up on stage. And she is bold, because she has alopecia. And she's up there. And she's talking about self love. Wow. And how hard it was for her to learn to love herself, or all the struggles that she had gone through. And I'm listening to her, and I can hear this little voice in the back of my head. And it kind of whispers What about you? And I'm thinking to myself, if she can love herself, with all of the difficulties that she's faced in her life, why can't i Wow. And I kind of brushed it off as it doesn't matter. It's too late now anyway. Then another speaker gets up. And she starts talking about living with depression and mental illness and how she after 20 years of struggling, she finally accepted the fact that this was part of her life, and she was going to choose to live with it, not fight against it, but choose to live with it. That's fabulous. And again, I start hearing that voice in the back of my head butts a little louder this time. And it's like, hey, like, what about you? And I thought, well, you know, like, yeah, she's getting through it, you know, could I get through it? I don't know. And then the last speaker gets up, and his name was Jared Morrison. And he's talking about living with mental illness, alcohol addiction, and addiction to painkillers. And I'm like, oh, you know, like, I'm kind of leaning in on this. And I'm listening to him talk about how he had worked for a year to find that perfect mix of drugs and alcohol, because he sold life insurance. So he knew he had to make it look like an accidental right to suicide. And he finally got his kids. He wasn't allowed much access to his kids, but on a night that he was allowed to have his kids. He found that perfect mix of all nights. That was the night that he found that wow. And as he's laying on the couch, slowly feeling his life drift away from his body. He hears a voice going no, not now. Not like this. and his kids are in the house, and he realizes that he's going to end his life with his kids, you're gonna find, and he manages to get to the phone call 911. And he gets home. And he knew in that moment, of course, that he had to, you know, get help change his life. And he made a decision in that moment, he said that he was going to take all the crap that had been thrown at him in his life. And he was going to use it for good. He was going to go out, share his story, share his struggles, in order to give hope to someone else. And I heard that voice in the back of my head. And now it's like screaming, it's loud. I can't push it away. I can't ignore it. And it's like, what about you? Wow. And it was in that moment, that moment, then everything changed. I knew that everything I had gone through my years of sexual abuse, my years of domestic violence, my years of alcohol addiction, my years of hating myself and not wanting to be here. I could take that all. And I could use it to save someone else's life. It's like my life had been changed in that moment. Yeah. And that's what I chose to do. I went up to the speaker, or the organizer of the event after it was over. And I said, I just want you to know, this event, has had a huge impact on my life. I would love to sit down and talk to you about it. But I would like to come back and speak at your event. Next year. I was not speaking was not on my radar whatsoever. Yeah. But I wanted to pay it forward. Right. I just

Stephanie Olson: 26:41

talking next year, which is such a beautiful thing to hear. Because your future had not been a part of your life.

Charlene Madden: 26:50

Right? My future was like two days. Yeah, it was over. And now I'm like, No, next year, I'm coming back. That's and I did, and I did. And I went back the next year. And I spoke at that event. And I shared the importance of how stories are so important. Because sometimes when you're in it, you can't see, you know, you're just you don't see anybody else. I always say you don't see the forest for the trees. But yeah, I knew other people suffered and struggled with these issues, but to hear it. Okay, so. So after I had spoken to the lady that had organized that the year prior, and she brought me in to speak. And so I'm on stage, and I'm telling everybody, the impact that stories can have on people's lives. Because as I was saying, like, sometimes we feel we feel so all alone, when we're in it, even though we know there's people around us that are experiencing the same thing. You just feel so alone.

Stephanie Olson: 27:51

Yeah. And they're not on your radar. At that moment. I think when you are in the midst of darkness like that. The last thing you're thinking about is other people's struggles, or even sometimes finding somebody else who has gone through that. So it sometimes has to be put right in front of you just like the speakers. That's amazing.

Charlene Madden: 28:17

Yeah. And I think you get into survival mode. Right? That's all you're doing is just surviving. So you're not actually seeing anything that's going on outside of your that little bubble that you're in, right. So I remember getting off of the stage. And you know, I had said that, in my experience, and you know, everything I had gone through that. If I could save one life, that then everything I had gone through the years of abuse, it would all have been worth it. Wow. And I got off the stage and I walked to the back of the room and I'm getting ready to go out just so I can kind of compose myself and take it take a breath. I had lady approached me and she said, You know how you said you wanted to save a life. I want you to know that you did today and turned and walked away.

Stephanie Olson: 29:09

Oh my gosh.

Charlene Madden: 29:11

And yeah, I was completely. I was I was completely shocked to the core by it. And I was like, okay, then it was that it was worth it. You know? That? Yeah, exactly. It was it was all worthwhile. I can live with it knowing. But now I'm like you no one is great. But how many other people are out there suffering that I could reach and help? So that was my my thing was like, okay, and I kind of talked about that moment when you find purpose. Yes. And because when when you're dealing with depression and mental illness, you're kind of just existing, because you don't you don't feel a purpose. And in that moment, that's when I was like, oh, Okay, if this is my purpose, this is what I'm supposed to be out here doing. And so I have made it my mission to reach out to other women to reach out to men. Because I mean, men struggle so much. And in silence, yes, that is that they don't, they don't have the, the outlets that women do, you know, women can go talk to a friend and say, hey, you know, I'm feeling really down or, you know, they can be more emotionally vulnerable than men can be. So to me, you know, being able to break the stigma of men's mental health, it, you know, is my way of, you know, even though you know, my ex partner, the relationship wasn't good. I still would not wish that on anybody. So. So that's my way of paying tribute to the people who have who have taken their lives and felt alone. So. So I decided that I decided the lady that held the event, the event that I spoke at, she kind of went after a couple years when, you know, enough, it's exhausting planning and running these things. And I was like, Oh, I'm kind of disappointed, because I know the impact these things can have on my life, I sure hope someone else will step up and fill that role. Aha. And there's that little voice in the back of my head that goes, what about you? And I was like, what about me? Why can't I do it? You know, like, I've got a great support network of friends. I've been to, you know, been to these events. And I, you know, so let's do it. Let's talk the talk and not walk the walk not Yes.

Stephanie Olson: 31:28

Yes. Oh, today, then that is what you are doing, you are helping other people really find I love I love this part of of your bio, that you found your purpose by turning your mess into a message of hope, evolution and transformation. And that's really what you're helping other people do, as well.

Charlene Madden: 31:57

Mm hmm. Yeah, it's, um, I always just talked about. I just tried to reach someone that maybe is at the same place that I was when I came to that workshop. Yeah. You know, because those are the people that, you know, I can talk to, and I can relate with and say, Hey, I know how you're feeling. You know, I was there. I sat in the dark. Yeah. And it's like, you know, you know, I'll sit and I always say, I will sit in the dark with anyone. Yeah, you know, and I will also lift you up and bring into the light because it's a great place to be so. So I've, yeah, I've gone on to you know, I've built my own workshop now. And, and I went in and done my coaching certifications and went in and did I've licensed as a Reiki practice practitioner now. So I've, you know, I've just taken it went okay, so how can I help people heal Mind Body Soul? What is?

Stephanie Olson: 32:51

So what would you say to to, to people that are that are struggling, that are suffering? Well, I have kind of a two part question. What would you say to people who are suffering with depression, suffering with addiction suffering with those things? And what would you say to people who have a plan to take their life?

Charlene Madden: 33:24

My, my message that I always, you know, give people is, it's okay to not be okay. Yeah. Right. Because we have this stigma that it's not okay. Right. Like, we're actually have this belief that we're always supposed to be happy that life is just supposed to be great that we're never supposed to have these feelings. And it's like, you know what, it's okay to have these feelings. Yeah. It's okay to feel like crap. It's okay to want to stay in bed. Not get us. Yes, you know, but it's not okay to stay that way. Yeah. Right. Like, it's okay to feel that way. But it's not okay to stay that way. Feel the feelings, embrace them, acknowledge them. Because it's when we push those feelings down, and we don't deal with them. Right. That's they don't go away. Right. Right. You know, so I'm like, acknowledge it, work through it. Because whatever, we, whatever we keep repressing, we're going to keep experiencing, it's going to keep resurfacing. So we need to, you know, feel those feelings. Deal with it. And if you are in that state, reach out for help. And I know and I know that's really easier said than done, and I get it because I was there. I had so many people that were like, Hey, if you ever feel down yeah, you know, call me. I had numbers on my bedside table for you know, if I ever got to that position, you know, give someone a call. I had I had gone and seen a psychiatrist. I had been attending, you know, sessions and my You know, my thing was she had never experienced the things I was experiencing. So I didn't feel that relatability there. So I'm like, find someone who understands what you're going through. Absolutely. Because if they don't understand, you know, it's hard to have that connection. And there's so many, there's so many support groups out there, both online and live. If you're dealing with addiction, you know, focus on on, you know, getting through that as well, because we use those addictions to try to muddle our brains into not dealing with what we're feeling. Oh, so reach out, find, you know, find a support, find someone who's experienced it, and knows what you're going through and isn't isn't going to judge. I mean, I don't judge anybody who comes to me, because I don't want to be here anymore. I'm like, how I get it? Yeah, I get, and I and I don't, you know, I don't judge everyone's situation is differently. So reach out. There's, you know, people you can contact where it's anonymous, you know, you can reach out, give a fake name, whatever you can tell people your name is Charlene magnifi. reached out and asked for help, you know, but But find someone that you can, that, you know, has experienced what what you're going through, so that's

Stephanie Olson: 36:19

good. What would you say to the loved ones of people who are going through? Whether it be depression or suicidality? What would you say to the people who, who need to be a support system, but just don't know how?

Charlene Madden: 36:36

I would say the same thing to them. There's so many support organizations out there for the families, of people who are either going through addiction who are going through mental health issues, be proactive, you know, help is not going to come to us. We have to go looking for the help. Yeah. So so find those support groups as well and educate yourself on what it what it is. I mean, I mean, I had so many people say, Well, can't you just be happy? And I was like, Yeah, I would love to dry.

Stephanie Olson: 37:09

That's a great idea. I've never thought about that. Okay.

Charlene Madden: 37:16

That's the not the not educating them. Correct? Yeah. So, so yeah, if you've got someone in your life who, who is experiencing that, yeah, educate yourself as much as you can. But, and this is probably going to sell. But understand that there's only so much that you can do.

Stephanie Olson: 37:37

Yes, that's right. That's right.

Charlene Madden: 37:41

It didn't matter how much my family loved me. If I was going to take my life, I was going to take my life, there was nothing that anybody could have centered on,

Stephanie Olson: 37:50

you know, yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry. I was gonna say

Charlene Madden: 37:53

I needed to love myself. Right? Like, if you want to help someone, help them love themselves. Right? Like, try, because until you love yourself, you're not, you know, life doesn't seem worth living. So.

Stephanie Olson: 38:07

And I think a lot of times there's that misplace guilt, you know, if I would have just stayed on the phone with them, if I would have just, you know, let them know this. And, and, and people have to know, that is not a choice you can make for somebody. That is, yeah,

Charlene Madden: 38:27

that's, and that's and I and from coming at it from both ends of that spectrum. Or, you know, I was the person that was going to to the person that had that person that did take their lives, you know, I did I had the misplaced guilt of, you know, if I've maybe if I would have talked to him, he wouldn't have done it. And I realized that that's not on me. And I don't have the right to take that on myself. Right? If I'm taking that guilt, I'm taking that to try to make myself feel better, right, not because it's truth. So,

Stephanie Olson: 38:57

you know, I had this dear, dear friend of mine when I was in recovery, while it's still in recovery for alcoholism, but when I was going through those steps, and just really working the program, I was in the spot where I was making amends to people and, and I was talking to this dear friend and I said, you know, I made her start drinking again, she was in recovery, and I made her start drinking again. And she looked at me and said, you don't have that power. And I thought that I mean it was so profound and it struck me so just like a lightning bolts because that's that we think we have all of this power to change somebody's mind or do whether good or bad but the reality is we do would have that power?

Charlene Madden: 40:02

Yes, self responsibility was a huge concept for me to take to really grasp because, yeah, exactly. And I mean, I've had these discussions, you know, in the last year of my life, it's like, you know, when someone says, Oh, you made me feel this way. And it's like, no, I don't have that control, you allow yourself to feel that way. And it checked out for me, because I would be like, I feel so hurt because this person did that. And it's like, okay, well, let's dig down and find out. Right, aren't that is because it's not that person. It's something else underneath it. So. Wow. And that's, and that's part of the building the resilience, right? Is, is understanding and taking the self responsibility, right? You know, is saying, I'm gonna own, I'm going to own my life, because, you know, I get to make the choices. The choices I've made, have got me here. The choices I make can get me outta here. So possibility,

Stephanie Olson: 40:57

that's good. And talk about the stigma of mental health and mental illness and all that is going on? Because we are we are improving, I think, in the area of of acknowledging that it's okay to not be okay. But there is such a stigma still attached to mental health issues. On that,

Charlene Madden: 41:21

yeah, I say that all the time. It's like, I look back to where we were, you know, from when I was a teenager? To to where we are now. And, you know, yes, we have come so far, but the system is still failing? Absolutely. I think of, you know, the kids in high school that are still struggling. And I mean, it's, I there's no way like, there's no way I would want to be a teenager in this day and age, there's no, you could not pay me to do it. And they have so many more resources, but it seems it's so so much more limited, if that makes any sense.

Stephanie Olson: 41:58

That's true. And and I think just what has happened, you know, we go into the schools, and we see these kiddos and to be Hey, viewers, and the changes in what's going on. It's over whelming. And they have been through so much. And now. I mean, it's yeah, it's it's there is so much more depression and anxiety. We weren't ready for we weren't ready for regular depression and anxiety. I mean, we weren't ready to deal with what was happening already. And then add a pandemic on top of it and isolation and increased social media time at all of that has just just made it that much worse. Yeah,

Charlene Madden: 42:48

absolutely. Absolutely. As more as more aware as we are, I think we're almost less sensitive. Now, as as a society. You know, we're, we're more sensitive and less sensitive in one hand or the other. Like, we realize now that these kids are suffering, we're sensitive, and we're aware of every experience that they're having. But we're less sensitive to how we're treating it. It's still not, you know, it's still not the way it needs to

Stephanie Olson: 43:16

be not enough. It is definitely not enough. So what would you say I just I, first I want people to be, I want to let me restate all of that. I want people to know how they can find you. But I do want to hear a little bit about the workshops that you're doing and how often you're having them. You know what they look like? All that good stuff.

Charlene Madden: 43:48

Well, right now, my workshop has been one see, like, I've been doing it once a year. That's my screen back there. It's called Ignite your lights. And the first year I did it, I held it live I was able to squeak it in right before there was. So it was it was small. It was about 30 women, but it was extremely impactful, which is what I wanted it to be this last year and I hosted every November. This last year we did strictly virtual which yet it it restricts the connection. But it almost allows for greater connection because you can reach out, reach out to more women. I mean, I was lucky I had a speaker come in from Costa Rica. I had a speaker come in from Colorado, one coming from Montana. That's great. I'm from Ontario. So you're my pool of people that can attack. I look at it now instead of being able to just impact the ladies that live locally in my area I can impact globally. Yeah, which is what I wanted. And I had I just finished I did a three day master class, working through limiting beliefs. So I held that in the beginning of January. So I've gotten a couple more than I'm planning in the next two or three months there. So I'm just trying to get myself breathless. So

Stephanie Olson: 45:12

I love that. I love that. And I just have to tell you, I'm so glad that you are here on this earth. And I just, you deserve to be alive. I just, it's, it's so and so does it, you know, if anybody is feeling that, that, that pain and just I just need the pain to stop. That's if you're feeling that you deserve to be alive. And it's just it's a hard moment to get through. It's a hard, you know, sometimes you do have to take it moment by moment by moment. But I'm so glad that Charlene that you are here, and doing such incredible work and truly changing people's lives. And that's very powerful. You have an incredible story. Thank you. Thank you. So how can people find you?

Charlene Madden: 46:13

I'm probably all the normals. I am on. I'm on Instagram, Charlene and Madden on Instagram. You can find me on Facebook at Charlene Madden speaker, author, women's empowerment coach. And you can also follow my workshop. It's ignite your life on Facebook as well and on Instagram as well. So I like to say, and like I said, if if anybody is struggling, and they need just to talk to someone, and they don't feel comfortable. message me on Facebook, I'm available 24 hours a day to take any phone calls, any messages, anything. If you're feeling stuck, and you're scared. And you know, please reach out. Like I said, I will sit in the dark with anyone as long as they need me to.

Stephanie Olson: 47:03

So that and we will put all of that information in the podcast notes. But that's that's amazing. Thank you. Okay, last question. What does resilience mean to you?

Charlene Madden: 47:19

I think resilience to me is being able to rise up from the dark and stepped into the light. And share and shine your light from inside.

Stephanie Olson: 47:33

Oh, I love that. That's, that's beautiful. Well, I can't thank you enough. Your story is inspiring. And gives, I know gives hope to so many people. So thank you for what you're doing.

Charlene Madden: 47:49

And thank you for providing the platform. I mean, I know you, you provide this and you're putting the stories out that people can connect to and the work that you're doing in your own your own life as well. It's thank you for the gifts that you're giving to this world.

Stephanie Olson: 48:03

Thank you. And thank you for listening to read. And yeah, it is so Monday, and thank you for listening to resilience in life and leadership and we will see you next time. Bye. Thank you for listening. Please share with anyone you think will benefit from this podcast.