Stephanie Olson Talks Addictions and Shame; Resilience in Life and Leadership Episode 047

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean and how to we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma; and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries, and, sometimes a few rants, to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way, and you want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

INSPIRE your team to LEAD WITH SUCCESS and MOTIVATE others with Stephanie bringing 20+ years of speaking experience. If you need to EMPOWER, ENGAGE, and EDUCATE your people-Book Stephanie as your speaker today!

https://www.stephanieolson.com/ask-stephanie-to-speak

Everyone has resilience, but what does that mean, and how do we use it in life and leadership? Join Stephanie Olson, an expert in resiliency and trauma, every week as she talks to other experts living lives of resilience. Stephanie also shares her own stories of addictions, disordered eating, domestic and sexual violence, abandonment, and trauma, and shares the everyday struggles and joys of everyday life. As a wife, mom, and CEO she gives commentaries and, sometimes, a few rants to shed light on what makes a person resilient. So, if you have experienced adversity in life in any way and want to learn how to better lead your family, your workplace, and, well, your life, this podcast is for you!

https://stephanieolson.com

Transcript

Stephanie Olson: 0:00

Thank you for listening, please share with anyone you think will benefit from this podcast. Hello, and welcome to resilience and life leadership. I'm Stephanie Olson. And I want to talk a little bit about addiction and shame today. Because a lot of people with addiction and whatever that addiction is, I have a tremendous amount of shame. That goes along with that addiction. That makes sense. Because when we have an addiction, we typically hide that addiction, because of that shame. The thing is, is that when we come out of that addiction, first of all, we have to be willing to go get help when we're in the middle of it. And that requires us to come out of that shame and talk to somebody. But when we are in the when we come out of that addiction, still having shame to tell people that that's where you were, and I want to talk about that a little bit. I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been sober for 20 years, and had trauma early on in my life really kind of affected how my life currently has. You know how my life, the trajectory of my life, the trauma in my life early on. And then later on throughout life affected the trajectory of my life. That's what I'm trying to say. And I was always looking for something, something to make me feel better, something to stop the anger something to numb me. And that's what I was looking for. Now, I will say that I believe that I actually was predisposed to alcoholism. I think there's two kinds of alcoholics. I think there's the the people who are predisposed to alcoholism, so they've got those genetics in their family. And that's just something that absolutely happens. Because you have those genetics, you're predisposed, you have that first drink, and boom, and you don't even realize where it came from. That I think they're also the alcoholics or addicts who become that way through habit. And so maybe they are drinking every night because of you know, I look at COVID, for example, and what happened in de drinking became so typical, and what we were doing with alcohol and coping, or whatever those those addictions were, that became a way to cope. And I think that a lot of times that can become habitual. So now, I am an addict, because this is what I have taught myself over the past 21 days or whatever it takes, like 21 days to form a habit. And so that can happen over time. So those are the two kinds of addicts that I think that I see typically now, I was predisposed. Now I know some things that I didn't know before. But my grandparents used to every day at four o'clock sharp have a martini, I'm not a martini, forgive me, grandma and grandpa, a Manhattan is really important because Manhattan's were yummy to me, even at the age of four, and I would go over to their Manhattan every day at four o'clock. And I would take the maraschino cherry out of the Manhattan and eat that. Now, here's the deal. There were Mara Tino cherries in our refrigerator, I could have had that maraschino cherry in my refrigerator at any time. But I wanted the ones soaking in the Manhattan. Now. Even when I started drinking at about 16 which I really drank to feel prettier, funnier, better about myself, I wanted to fit in. But what it did for me was made me forget, made me numb to the things that I was struggling with. Already. There were a lot of lot of things going on. I was drink a little different than my friends. I remember thinking, you know, gosh, I can't wait for that next drunk next weekend. I was always looking forward to that. And so it was just different than my friends drinking seem to be. And so it was a way of life. For me. It was something that just happened all of the time or as often as I could get that alcohol. When I went to college, I started experimenting with drugs a little bit and not to the extent of the alcohol that was really my drug of choice. choice. But I absolutely did experiment in certain things. Now it's so interesting because when I look back today, I always say, gosh, yeah, I can see the hand of God on my life. I'd become a Christian at a very young age. And so I although I completely turn my back on on him, I really do believe that he was with me all of the time, because there were times when I would go to a party, and I would see lines of coke on the table. And I just knew that if I would have had that line, I would have been done. There was just something about it that I knew I would be done. So had some experiment with some drugs, but really stayed away from the hard stuff. But alcohol was my drug of choice. And I drank a lot. Now, when I could when I was an adult and actually could buy my own alcohol. Then it turned into something that was almost more of an everyday thing, because I could go home after work and have a glass of wine. I could do those things. And I was a very refined drinker. I will tell you, I got those big jugs of Carlo Rossi so that, you know, I mean, refined. That's what I'm saying. So I went through a bad abuse of marriage, just like my mom got divorced. And by the grace of God met and married my husband today, Eric, who is an amazing man. But I was still drinking every day. Now I would do little things that would you know, because I never thought it was a problem. I really never thought I was an alcoholic. And even by the time I was daily drinking, I always thought I'm not an alcoholic because I don't drink in the morning. I'm not an alcoholic, because I don't drink out of a bag. I'm not an alcoholic, whatever. Whatever excuses I could come up with that, that justified. I'm not an alcoholic. Now, my husband and I you know, we got married. And we had a try, you know, we started our family. That's a whole other story that I will talk about some some other day. But I would drink and hide it. Shame. I knew, I guess that drinking consistently during the day at this point, I was a stay at home mom, my little girl was you know a baby too. By the time I stopped drinking, she was about 18 months old. And I drank every day. Now, I finally got smart and was able to drink other things in the house. Other than my wine so I could pour my first bottle of bottle of wine. I could pour my first glass of wine when my husband came home and tell him honestly, this is my first glass of wine. Because he started to notice that the jug of Carlo Rossi was getting a little lower quickly. Now I would tell them things like well I spilled it which was inevitably true at some point I would have spilled it or I would say these this is the the change in that dynamic that shame. I wasn't telling him I'm drinking it all during the day. Now I would start to modify a little bit because I thought gosh, maybe I do have a problem. I would never have called myself an alcoholic at that time but maybe I have a problem. And so I would do little things like well maybe I'll only drink when we're out won't drink at home only drink when we're out Well I made sure we went out every day that week. Well okay that's not working maybe I'll only drink during special occasions and then there would be a good Oprah on and by gosh that special occasion enough. And I realized eventually that I was trying to do things so that I would moderate my drinking but it never worked. It never worked. Now before this I will also tell you that I was a two pack a day smoker so moderation was never my thing. I'm a pretty addictive I have a pretty addictive personality. So I'm gonna say so two pack a day smoker, quit smoking when we got married. Don't advise that Bad idea. But I did quit smoking. But the drinking continued and only got worse now alcoholism, addiction, all of those things are progressive diseases. So they continue to go on, even if so today, I have been sober 20 years. If I were to pick up a bottle right now and start drinking, it would be like I had never stopped. That's important to recognize with addictions. So finally, one day, I put my daughter to bed. She was a baby. And at this point, I was blacking out every single night. I don't remember putting my daughter to bed. I don't remember putting her jammies on I don't remember those things. And in fact, if I had to wake up the next morning, I would have to set my alarm early, early in the evening, because I knew that by the end of the night, I wouldn't remember. Still didn't consider myself an alcoholic. By the way, blacking out is a huge sign of alcoholism. And I blacked out for the first time. When I started drinking. My very first drinking experience, I blacked out, maybe an indication. So I woke up one morning, and I walked into my daughter's room, and her changing table, and her crib was covered in red wine. She had been sleeping in it all night long. I was horrified, not horrified enough to quit drinking. But I was horrified. And I started to think maybe there might be an issue. Finally, after a bad drunk, and I don't even know what it was. I decided I needed to cut back. And so I called a 12 step program. They don't help you cut back, it's quit or nothing. And I went to my first meeting and heard a lot of differences. But I really keyed in on the similarities. That was really important. And then I thought, well, this isn't for me. And my husband suggested I go one more time go to a place close to home. So I didn't I walked in. And it was his church, and it was on Wednesday. Now Wednesday is traditionally Church Night. And I thought this is choir night. What am I doing here? And I started to walk in and I saw three women that were just dressed to the nines look amazing. I was thinking they're going to choir practice. And one of them I recognized I had worked with her for years, adored this woman. And I was ashamed. And I walked in. And they could tell that I was insecure that I felt bad that I was ashamed. And there was a sign at the front of the church. And it said, AA. And one of the women put her hand on the sign and moved it over and said, I guess that's where the meeting is. And I looked at them stunned because I couldn't believe they were going to a meeting. And they looked at me and said, Is this your first meeting? I said, Well, my second. So went into the meeting with them with the comfort and strength of having three women supporting you, which is incredible. I walked out with them. And they took me out for coffee. And those women supported my journey for a long time. One of them became my sponsor. And it was amazing. What was so cool about that was that those women had never been to that meeting never went since that was a God thing. got sober and stayed sober. It wasn't easy. It has not been easy. You know, people who lose their craving, that's amazing. And that wasn't me. And it's a hard thing. You know, most people relapse. It's very common. By the grace of God, I have not relapsed. And I have been sober for 20 years. But I will tell you, it has been hard. There have been times and even last year, I experienced a time where I drove past a bar and thought I want to go in and that's where your support system comes in. But in order to have a support system, you have to remove that shame that knowing that what you're experiencing regardless of the addiction, whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, whether it's porn, whether it's food, whatever it is You can get help. I believe that it's a disease or if people are uncomfortable with the disease, it's like an allergy. Because once that addiction hits you, that addiction is the one working in you. It's no longer you, there's a saying that, you know, while I'm sitting here in the meeting, my my addiction is out in the parking lot doing push ups. That's what it's like. And so we have to be alert at all times. But there is no shame in that. There is no shame in telling people that you're an addict. Now, I don't go around telling everybody I mean, I got a public platform. So you know, people, no, but people I just meet. I mean, the Hi, I'm Stephanie, I'm an alcoholic. I don't do that. Save that for meetings. But I'm not ashamed of it. And I will talk to people about it, you know, people, no longer do people ask me if I'm pregnant, if I'm not drinking, that's kind of sad. But I have had people try and pressure me to start drinking. And I've had to say, I'm an alcoholic, I don't drink. And that usually shuts people up right away. But I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I am proud of my journey. I am, I am proud of the fact that knowing that alcohol took over my life. And I was able to overcome that. That's huge. I'm proud of that. I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed to tell people I'm an alcoholic. I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I'm not ashamed to answer questions, not ashamed. And that's what I want for you. You know, addiction, addiction switching is very common. And so sometimes, you know, we leave, that's why I drank even more after I quit smoking. Then I started drinking even more, I was still drinking, but it increased heavily when I quit smoking. But when I quit drinking, I knew that I needed a different coping mechanism that I knew that I needed a new addiction. Because we do crave whatever that is. And so I poured that into my faith, I poured that into working out, I poured that into, to things that were much healthier than alcohol. Now, so I had a lot of sugar because sugar had alcohol has a lot of sugar in it. So you got to, you know, you got to cover yourself. But I wasn't ashamed. And I don't want you to be ashamed. Don't be ashamed of the fact that you had an addiction that tried to take you out. Be proud of the fact that you didn't let it don't be ashamed that you spent time hiding. Whether you're hiding with food, whether you're hiding with drinks, whether you're hiding with drugs, don't be ashamed of the fact that you spend time hiding. Be proud of the fact that you came out of hiding. You deserve to be fulfilled in a way that doesn't require numbing and you deserve the freedom that breaking free from your addiction allows. There is nothing more freeing than not having to go smoke not having to have a drink, not having to eat something not having to do drugs, not having to watch porn, whatever it is. There's nothing more freeing than knowing that you don't have to do that. Because you have overcome and there's nothing more amazing and and something worse shouting from the rooftops than that. So be proud of yourself. No shame. And thank you for listening. That's what resilience is all Thank you for listening please share with anyone you think will benefit from this podcast